my days were spent wishing he would notice me…and every time i saw you, my desire for him melted away

your blond hair your blue eyes

they were kinder, softer, more amazing than his…

your smile, your words, your touch, meant and mean more than his…

when you tell me you love me…him who? all i know and love is you.

i cant wake up without thanking God you found me

i roll over and there you are. you smile back at me…oh that smile.

i thought i knew what i wanted, until you showed me what was perfect…you

perfect for me.

perfect in every possible way.

thankyou for being my sunshine

my air

my laughter 

my love

my dream

my answers 

my life.

i love you and no one else. 

the time we’ve spent together has been short, yet i feel like i’ve known you my whole life.

you said forever and i said yes. 

forever just isn’t going to be long enough. 

i love you. 

thankyou for showing me how perfect my life can truly be.

this is always how i imagined it would be…love.

love.

from a young age pretending to be a princess waiting for my knight to ride in on his horse…i knew that moment i would fall in love.

so you are my knight, your smile got me first, then your eyes, and then the first time i heard you say my name.

love.

when i wake up i smile, because all i can think about is how lucky i am to have you in my life.

our first kiss was sleepy and gentle. our second was heated and rough.  …and every one after that has been more and more perfect. when i hear you say ‘kiss me’ …my heart flies out of my body and goes somewhere beautiful.

when you smile at me…i melt.

you leave me speechless constantly. it’s like..i don’t even want to try and find the words to say to you, i’d rather just lay next to you and feel your body next to mine.

i could stay that way forever.

you’re so damn cute. funny as anything. you have an amazing passion for life, and you make me want to live each day to it’s fullest.

when i see the sun, i think of you. when i breathe in fresh air, i think of you.

when i fall asleep i dream of your gentle touch, pushing my hair out of my face, your soft gorgeous voice telling me i’m beautiful.

when it’s just you and me, you smile and you laugh and you light up just like the moment i met you…that night you came into my life…the best night of my life.

i’ve never felt so perfect, then when i’m wrapped tight in your arms…you seem so happy so peaceful

it’s like when we’re together you’re safe and as far from hurt as possible..i live to see that smile…

i love you. i would give the world for you. i’ve gone through hell and back to keep you by my side…

but this love is so short..nothing but a night, an hour or two

because your love is taken by…her.

her.

she’s the one that’s making this love painful.

she’s the reason your smile is the thorn in my side.

she’s the reason when that smile fades i feel ill and can’t breathe.

i love you. you love her.

but i’ll leave this love with one thought…do you? do you really?

you’re my angel and my torture.

my gift and my disease.

i can see so clearly our future.

see it soon please.

see through her before it’s too late.

this is more then just love babe, it’s fate.

i can’t believe i love you like i do.

i’d do anything for a moment with you.

but you don’t see it,

nor do you care,

she’s killing us both,

it’s just not fair.

but when i think of you…it’s the only word i can find

screaming i hate you just isn’t enough

thinking of ways to hurt you isn’t who i am

so instead using the word fuck over and over seems to do the trick

for instance…adding fuck to ‘i hate you’

…i FUCKING hate you

try it, you’ll feel better

or… FUCK this HURTS ..also a good one

i use this one when particularily mad… go FUCKING die

now you have to be VERY mad to use that one…and you should be sure you have a very good reason for saying it.

but the word FUCK has so many meanings and uses. i mean, it’s just like the word version of you.

yep.

your many meanings and uses: boyfriend, friend, lover, enemy, safety net, reason for hitting rock bottom, drinking buddy, rescue mission, my source of laughter, my reason for crying, my trust, my lies, heartbreaker, cheerer-upper, shoulder to cry on, shoulder to lay on, shoulder to clench, shoulder to kiss, eyes to get lost in, a smile to be made weak by, words to be built up with and crushed by the same soft blow…

like the word fuck, i find myself needing to use you

like the word fuck, things get heated and i use you

but it’s hard when it gets to the point where i feel like i need to say it to express how i feel deep inside

just like you

i use you just so i can feel again

you make me so angry…you’re the reason i use the word

i fucking hate you

i fucking love you

you make me so fucking happy

you make me so fucking angry

look me in the eyes so i know you know…fuck you.

fuck it.

fuck this.

fuck her.

fuck you. fuck right off.

how good do you feel now? …saying it over and over didn’t fix anything did it?

no.

so just like saying that word over and over won’t solve anything

…kissing you, talking to you, texting you, looking for you, crying about you, making sure you’re happy, all of the things i do for you over and over won’t help solve my problem either.

fuck you.

hoping someone will walk through it.

but there’s never an answer.

i’m pleading with my phone

begging it to ring.

but your voice never answers.

i lose my sanity screaming at the sky

asking why i am the way i am.

and the answer is silence.

no one answers a desperate call

a happy wish

a moment of thought

no one answers.

you see it, you feel it, you hear it

ring.

but you just ignore it.

why?

pissed ’cause i was thinking about you?

pissed ’cause i care?

pissed ’cause i wished you were here with me?

that must suck, having someone care about you.

ya i can totally see why you refuse to answer.

i would be mad too if i had someone in my life who never wanted anything BUT the best for me.

how do you put up with it? that must drive you nuts.

wait for the day you don’t get an answer.

the day you finally call back, txt back, scream back…

and i don’t answer.

i won’t answer to you, to them, to air or to machines…

i’ll be gone so go ahead leave a message..

it will sound something like-

i wish i had…

i can’t believe she…

i miss you so much…

how could…

and you’ll call and call for years to come and never get an answer.

no answer.

see how it feels.

i’m not going to call anymore. not a single hello…and when you’re ready to ‘deal’ with me you just let me know.

we’ll see how quick i am to pick up the phone.

i’m safe up high nothing can reach me..but why do i feel this party’s over..

you said maybe we could just be crazy together…i have no answer for you.

i’m so sick of you. so tired of caring. so tired of wanting to put a smile on your face. i hate you.

so so much.

and when you ask…what is it you want? with that smirk on your face that screams i already know…i’ll have an answer…i’ll say you. and then later in the night i’ll have another answer for myself..what is it you want…i want…

out.

and that’s my final answer.

the cigarette smoke filling my lungs

it’s bringing me closer to you

and pulling me from myself

i love the way green eyes dig my grave

a hand on my face and one through my hair

is the ticket i need to get on this train

this train is going somewhere wonderful

so i climb aboard i’m in my seat

the whistle screams get off while you still can

but the engine starts and i’m strapped to the chair

i run my hands through your perfect hair

begging you to take me anywhere

i feel your eyes each looking different ways

a grasp on where shes looking is where your focus stays

i can feel the moment slipping as foot steps grow louder

if it weren’t for your charm you’d have no power

shes at home tonight so you can be yourself

it wont matter i can’t find myself

the train is speeding forward through a darkened tunnel

i can’t see the light that should be at the very end

but you’re in the chair next to me so i’m not scared

it’s just like you said harmless is the game

but i still cringe when i hear you say her name

every time we meet it’s a secret mission

everything i feel is a cry of submission

i use your hand to justify my use of oxygen

i use your smile to get through now and then

i wait on your kiss again and again and again

waiting for the second when…

it happens the same way everytime

in the kitchen

by the sink

i wish i didn’t care what these mindless people think

or on the stairs up by the empty bedroom door

you grab my hand

my waist

my heart

and i hit the floor

hard

my pulse beats like an african drum

knowing your lips are what’s to come

your eyes look right into mine

and i know what death feels like

it’s the soft of your lips against mine

but the strong of the pull on your shirt

you pull away cause someone will suspect

and that’s the hurt

i smile and breath in each second i can still feel you there

i can smell the smoke on my skin in my hair

i wake up to the smell of you but you’re not there

i cry each night cause it’s not fair

but i crawl right back into your arms that’s where

the train is leading me

from the darkness to the light

and back again each and every night

i wait for the sign that says one new message

i open it in false hope

because i’m always one text away from finding a rope

but these words might be too little too late

it’s distugsting that your touch controls my fate

but i’ll board the train again this tuesday

when that first beer touches my lips

i’ll throw on a smile

and whatch your eyes follow my hips

but that’s where this train is headed

somewhere like home

this is my last attempt  finding a train that leads home

you might be my last train home.

is this idea of winning for me

i can’t decide i’m stuck on you

and you’re keeping me from getting through

i’m half way there in a weird sort of way

you’ll come through tomorrow but never today

i look into your eyes and see myself smile

could we just lie here for a while

but that’s never the case

in that tiny space

the risks are too big

our own graves we each dig

slowly each time we’re left alone

she’s carving out my headstone

after a few you always say you just dont know

is that the truth or just a show

i’d ask you to pick but i must love the tears

i’ve kept them by my side for so many years

but those moments when a smile is on my face

i get another wind to help win the race

so i’ll keep pushing and hope that you’re wrong

not with her with me is where you belong

she’s a party girl with tiny hips and a smokers voice

and i’m more traditional just by choice

but i’m young and vibrant something she’s not

on the outside i’m small and cute but her boyfriend knows i like it hot.

HA.

i love it.

the whole situation just makes me laugh.

but that’s when the moments are good.

it’s the moments in between your touch

i can’t handle those so much…

you came through last night…in the nick of time

you brought a smile to my face

and added another mile to the race

i was never meant for sprinting

long distance is my game

everything for that shiver i get when i hear your name

it’s a curse i can’t shake

a choice i have to make

the feeling i get when you run your hands through my hair

i’ll fight this later, for now- what to wear?

something that will play to my strengths

and drive your weaknesses

whatever it is i always make it mine

because each time we meet might be the night i cross the finish line

get me out i’m done

this hurts too much

it’s no longer fun

i can’t decide who i hate more

but i know i hate her more then before

when i hear your name i feel ill inside

and the worst part is i can’t find a place to hide

when i know you’re so close to me

in his eyes your face i see

because it’s not what i don’t have anymore

but what i thought i had in store

i’m so angry at myself i find it hard to sleep

and when i wake up i can feel the cuts down deep

i’m so angry at you i want to scream in your face

but then i remember i can still be in this race

i get a second wind of vengence it’s true

i want her to lose so badly i want you

i want her to be miserable just like i am

and i want him to feel it and understand

that because he’s the one incharge of it all

at the end of the day he needs to take the biggest fall

but he wont i will

and that’s what i hold onto still

knowing that i’m going to keep spilling these tears

like i have for the last 20 years

it’s hard to beleive that i can give so much

and all i ask in return is one soft touch

that says thankyou i need you

i’m so glad i have you

what oh what on earth would i do without you

i’ve crossed my eyes and dotted my tease

and all of it with relative ease

if i could just figure out what’s gotten into you lately

maybe just maybe i could keep some of my sanity

my hatred towards you both drives me to be better

but somehow i can feel the weather getting wetter

as the rain pours down on this empty house

all i’ve got left is the company of a mouse

i so mad at you i can’t even think straight

i’m giddy i can’t stop laughing because i can’t control the hate

i don’t think i’ve ever been this mad

in every sence of the word

i honestly want to vomit

this situation is absurd

i got so wrapped up in being the one

the one that was the answer to all of your fun

i’ve never been her not ever in my life

that’s because i’m not a girlfriend i’m a wife

i’m driven by this need to fix and to comply

make sure you love me and you remember why

i’m the one you can’t live without

but not with you

no never with you

i’m so sick of this feeling

this dying inside

i’m ready to run

far enough so you’ll miss me

but nothing can take away the memory of the way that you kiss me

i cannot beleive it’s come to this

each time i breathe it’s hit and miss

do i or don’t i

that’s the question of the day

if i just do it will it matter

i care too much anyway

i went from mad at her to mad at you

and now i just feel hopeless

deciding i’m through

dealing with this shit enough is enough

i need a break i’m not this tough

if she finds out i can’t play rough

but it wont matter you won’t give me the time of day

you just assume once you call i’m ready to play

well i’ve got news for you ass whole

you’re going to get what you want

but not on your terms

you forget…

you idiot,

i know how to flaunt.

that sensation in my stomach when i see you

it’s what i feel

that smile you get when you’re being an ass

spending just a moment with you i’d never pass

but even though it’s not really happening

it’s an awakening

to everything i thought i needed

i hope for every moment to become heated

like the warmth that comes from your kiss

each time i walk out the door it’s a near miss

i just wish i knew it was real

and that you might be the one that’s able to heal

every scar i keep tucked away

looking to the darkness to be set free

when you hold my hand i can feel the air

it’s always a fluke that i end up there

it’s funny how i’m sure i can

do without the support of a man

but i sometimes feel like i can’t stand

without you holding my hand

maybe that’s because your eyes make me weak

and your smile makes it hard for me to speak

i keep pretending this is real like such a fool

i’m going to let myself get hurt like such a tool

but that’s the way it always is i know

i give my heart up at the first sign of a show

you can play each string with ease

just let me beleive for one more night, please.

and then you can run away like i know you will

i’m standing beside you but i feel ill

with threes apart watching each other

you’re pulling the strings you hold the power

so dont write me off if i supposedly mean more to you then that

don’t fill the seat where i always sat

with a knew one that will eventually come around

please just wait til i’m at least one foot under ground

what i think i know is real

i know because i can feel

the rain pouring down on me tonight

i thought you were in on this fight

when your cheek brushes up against mine

i feel so ready to step out of line

but your love is not real of course

i was told by a reliable source

the happiness from those moments lasts all day

but look at me now i’m fading away

and where are you

when i needed a friend

it’ll be on your shoulders

when i reach the end

they’ll all be confused

it’s silly but true

and all i’ll have left written

will be a short i love you too.

i know. it’s my thing. being cute. it gets me out of all sorts of trouble.

and it’s getting me into all sorts of trouble.

i’m fighting to stay awake, but i know i have to.

i have an obligation you know that.

i know and that’s why i’m going to walk away.

i’m going to get to him.

and i did.

you make me think stupid things and you make me want to do stupider things…it’s like you have a leash on me.

done.

but i’m still not the only one.

i hate this.

but i need this.

are you in?

i’m down.

deal.

deal.

this is the worst plan ever.

i’m going to get to him.

i have to.

or else i’m out.

i’m broken inside.

i win again,

you’re wrong,

i’m right,

i’d do anything to take back that night.

then maybe i’d be able to sleep,

without seeing your face,

i can smell the smoke,

and still feel your hand’s trace.

everything about this is true,

it was always about her,

never about me,

and never about you.

it was a moment of three,

now it’s a hit,

i’ve been struck by your hand,

and i was the split.

you’re killing me softly,

like only you know how,

i can’t look myself in the eyes,

it all comes back to your eyes now.

so don’t get out of bed,

stay there please please please,

i’m not leaving mine,

sleep the days away with ease.

hate is a stron word,

but i’ll use it for you,

i hate her as well,

but she’d kill me also if she knew.

i don’t ever win,

i’m alone tonight,

but i’ll remember your stare,

and continue the fight.

when you said it i believed you,

and so did she,

i hope this bites you in the ass,

’cause nothing in this life is free.

i can’t deal with you.

i’m done with you.

i’m going back to the way i was…

even though in 6 hours i’m going to look you in the eyes and smile again.

i hate you.